A Cry in the Forest

This story is from Madagascar, the fourth largest island in the world and one of the countries in our church’s Southern Africa-Indian Ocean Division. Do you know where Madagascar is? If you look on a map, find the continent of Africa, and then search for the big foot-shaped island off the southeast coast. That’s Madagascar. Our story today comes from the central east coast region:
Late one afternoon, a woman named Pascaline was walking down a narrow trail in the forest. In her basket was the money that she had made from selling fruit in the market that day. The sun was beginning to set and the forest was growing dark. Pascaline needed to rush home to begin making rise for supper. Her baby boy, Rivo, was tied snugly to her back with a wide cloth. He was getting fussy because he wanted to eat, too.
As Pascaline hurried along, she was surprised to hear footsteps behind her. Her heart began to beat very quickly. Just last week, her neighbor’s house had been broken into. Was the person walking behind her a friend or a thief?
Rounding a turn in the path, Pascaline decided to hide behind a big tree to let the person following her pass by. If it was someone that she knew, she would come out and they could walk home together. But if it was a stranger, Pascaline would wait many minutes so that the person could get far ahead of her and her little boy.
Quietly Pascaline crept into the bushes at the base of the tree. The footsteps on the path slowed down and then stopped. She was right. Whoever was out there had been trying to catch up to her! She held her breath with fear and stayed very still.
But Baby Rivo did not understand that they were in danger. All he knew was that his tummy was very hungry and it was time for mama to feed him. Buzzing mosquitoes began to bite his tender skin and he started to fidget and whimper. Pascaline knew that soon he would begin to cry and her hiding place would be found out.
Unbeknownst to Pascaline, on a branch far above her hiding place sat a dronga (droon-ga), a handsome bird with black shiny feathers. He had a proud curly feather on the top of his head and his longish tail was split like an upside-down “V”. Drongas are not only good-looking, they’re very clever. They can sing like many different birds and even “meow” like a cat.
The footsteps started again and as they came closer, baby Rivo began to cry to be fed, “Waaa! Waaa!” Pascaline bounced him gently to calm him, but nothing worked. “Waaa! Waaa!” Rivo cried, louder and louder.
Pascaline could hear the footsteps hurrying now. She grew cold with fear and almost leapt out from her hiding place to run away.
“Waaa! Waaa!” howled baby Rivo.
“Waaa! Waaa!” echoed a voice above their heads.
What was that? Pascaline looked up. She could barely see the bird sitting amongst the branches until she saw its black beak move. “Waaa! Waaa!” the dronga cried again. Why, he sounded just like baby Rivo!
Pascaline didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, too. If baby Rivo’s wailing didn’t give away their hiding place,

Break Up Letter - DWL

Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away toWest Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Are Jamaicans Really Like That?

On an Air Jamaica flight from New York to Jamaica, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful,and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning. A Yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses it completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling a the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??" For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate Yankee woman in the front of the plane. Then, a Jamaican stands up in the rear of the plane. "I could make you feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice. He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Jamaican could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes is shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron dis fe me, nuh?"


for non jamaicans that means to press the shirt ie: get out wrinkles

Jamaican Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks,"Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell". "What do they do in here?" He asks."Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!", "But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, "Why is the line so long?", "Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem,and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card, den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"

The Lord's Voice

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said! out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.
As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street." This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will". He drove se!veral blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he had just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?" The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you! an Angel?" The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.

More Humour

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, youhave to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying