To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student
who Has failed a final exam.
To realize T
he value of nine months:
Ask a mother
who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Marriage
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night- whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ********************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'" (HE ASKED FOR IT)
*********************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed this early?" he asks, "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) **********************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, " Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*********************
Marriage (Part V) THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
***********************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night- whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ********************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'" (HE ASKED FOR IT)
*********************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed this early?" he asks, "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) **********************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, " Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*********************
Marriage (Part V) THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
***********************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
An Atheist (Don't worry)
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord. Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:- "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian. "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you dois smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console co! lor TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an o! pportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next t! o his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you dois smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console co! lor TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an o! pportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next t! o his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A Cry in the Forest
This story is from Madagascar, the fourth largest island in the world and one of the countries in our church’s Southern Africa-Indian Ocean Division. Do you know where Madagascar is? If you look on a map, find the continent of Africa, and then search for the big foot-shaped island off the southeast coast. That’s Madagascar. Our story today comes from the central east coast region:
Late one afternoon, a woman named Pascaline was walking down a narrow trail in the forest. In her basket was the money that she had made from selling fruit in the market that day. The sun was beginning to set and the forest was growing dark. Pascaline needed to rush home to begin making rise for supper. Her baby boy, Rivo, was tied snugly to her back with a wide cloth. He was getting fussy because he wanted to eat, too.
As Pascaline hurried along, she was surprised to hear footsteps behind her. Her heart began to beat very quickly. Just last week, her neighbor’s house had been broken into. Was the person walking behind her a friend or a thief?
Rounding a turn in the path, Pascaline decided to hide behind a big tree to let the person following her pass by. If it was someone that she knew, she would come out and they could walk home together. But if it was a stranger, Pascaline would wait many minutes so that the person could get far ahead of her and her little boy.
Quietly Pascaline crept into the bushes at the base of the tree. The footsteps on the path slowed down and then stopped. She was right. Whoever was out there had been trying to catch up to her! She held her breath with fear and stayed very still.
But Baby Rivo did not understand that they were in danger. All he knew was that his tummy was very hungry and it was time for mama to feed him. Buzzing mosquitoes began to bite his tender skin and he started to fidget and whimper. Pascaline knew that soon he would begin to cry and her hiding place would be found out.
Unbeknownst to Pascaline, on a branch far above her hiding place sat a dronga (droon-ga), a handsome bird with black shiny feathers. He had a proud curly feather on the top of his head and his longish tail was split like an upside-down “V”. Drongas are not only good-looking, they’re very clever. They can sing like many different birds and even “meow” like a cat.
The footsteps started again and as they came closer, baby Rivo began to cry to be fed, “Waaa! Waaa!” Pascaline bounced him gently to calm him, but nothing worked. “Waaa! Waaa!” Rivo cried, louder and louder.
Pascaline could hear the footsteps hurrying now. She grew cold with fear and almost leapt out from her hiding place to run away.
“Waaa! Waaa!” howled baby Rivo.
“Waaa! Waaa!” echoed a voice above their heads.
What was that? Pascaline looked up. She could barely see the bird sitting amongst the branches until she saw its black beak move. “Waaa! Waaa!” the dronga cried again. Why, he sounded just like baby Rivo!
Pascaline didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, too. If baby Rivo’s wailing didn’t give away their hiding place,
Late one afternoon, a woman named Pascaline was walking down a narrow trail in the forest. In her basket was the money that she had made from selling fruit in the market that day. The sun was beginning to set and the forest was growing dark. Pascaline needed to rush home to begin making rise for supper. Her baby boy, Rivo, was tied snugly to her back with a wide cloth. He was getting fussy because he wanted to eat, too.
As Pascaline hurried along, she was surprised to hear footsteps behind her. Her heart began to beat very quickly. Just last week, her neighbor’s house had been broken into. Was the person walking behind her a friend or a thief?
Rounding a turn in the path, Pascaline decided to hide behind a big tree to let the person following her pass by. If it was someone that she knew, she would come out and they could walk home together. But if it was a stranger, Pascaline would wait many minutes so that the person could get far ahead of her and her little boy.
Quietly Pascaline crept into the bushes at the base of the tree. The footsteps on the path slowed down and then stopped. She was right. Whoever was out there had been trying to catch up to her! She held her breath with fear and stayed very still.
But Baby Rivo did not understand that they were in danger. All he knew was that his tummy was very hungry and it was time for mama to feed him. Buzzing mosquitoes began to bite his tender skin and he started to fidget and whimper. Pascaline knew that soon he would begin to cry and her hiding place would be found out.
Unbeknownst to Pascaline, on a branch far above her hiding place sat a dronga (droon-ga), a handsome bird with black shiny feathers. He had a proud curly feather on the top of his head and his longish tail was split like an upside-down “V”. Drongas are not only good-looking, they’re very clever. They can sing like many different birds and even “meow” like a cat.
The footsteps started again and as they came closer, baby Rivo began to cry to be fed, “Waaa! Waaa!” Pascaline bounced him gently to calm him, but nothing worked. “Waaa! Waaa!” Rivo cried, louder and louder.
Pascaline could hear the footsteps hurrying now. She grew cold with fear and almost leapt out from her hiding place to run away.
“Waaa! Waaa!” howled baby Rivo.
“Waaa! Waaa!” echoed a voice above their heads.
What was that? Pascaline looked up. She could barely see the bird sitting amongst the branches until she saw its black beak move. “Waaa! Waaa!” the dronga cried again. Why, he sounded just like baby Rivo!
Pascaline didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, too. If baby Rivo’s wailing didn’t give away their hiding place,
Monday, November 28, 2005
Break Up Letter - DWL
Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away toWest Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away toWest Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
Are Jamaicans Really Like That?
On an Air Jamaica flight from New York to Jamaica, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful,and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning. A Yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses it completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling a the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??" For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate Yankee woman in the front of the plane. Then, a Jamaican stands up in the rear of the plane. "I could make you feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice. He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Jamaican could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes is shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron dis fe me, nuh?"
for non jamaicans that means to press the shirt ie: get out wrinkles
"Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??" For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate Yankee woman in the front of the plane. Then, a Jamaican stands up in the rear of the plane. "I could make you feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice. He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Jamaican could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes is shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron dis fe me, nuh?"
for non jamaicans that means to press the shirt ie: get out wrinkles
Jamaican Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks,"Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell". "What do they do in here?" He asks."Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!", "But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, "Why is the line so long?", "Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem,and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card, den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"
Sunday, November 06, 2005
The Lord's Voice
A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said! out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.
As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street." This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will". He drove se!veral blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he had just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?" The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you! an Angel?" The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.
As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street." This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will". He drove se!veral blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he had just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?" The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you! an Angel?" The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.
More Humour
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, youhave to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, youhave to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
How can a woman not love the Lord?
* He is a gentleman,
* He is confident
* He is a provider and protector
* He is rich and powerful
* He owns everything, there is nothing He wouldn't do for me
* He perfects all things concerning me
* He anticipates my wants and needs
* Every day He tells me and shows me how much He loves me
* I don't have to perform in order to earn His love
* He keeps all of his promises
* No one can influence His opinion of me
* He is ever faithful, I never have to worry that He's cheating on me
* He is the ultimate intimate partner
* He can't "disown" me because I am a part of Him
* He prepares a table before ME (selah)
* He covers me and doesn't expose me
* He wrote his loving words down so that I'll never forget how He feels about me!
>>>>>>>>NOW THAT'S LOVE !!!>>>>Any man who wants pointers on how to love a woman, should study >>>>GOD!>>>> Wake up every day and thank God for being the best "man" in your life!
* He is a gentleman,
* He is confident
* He is a provider and protector
* He is rich and powerful
* He owns everything, there is nothing He wouldn't do for me
* He perfects all things concerning me
* He anticipates my wants and needs
* Every day He tells me and shows me how much He loves me
* I don't have to perform in order to earn His love
* He keeps all of his promises
* No one can influence His opinion of me
* He is ever faithful, I never have to worry that He's cheating on me
* He is the ultimate intimate partner
* He can't "disown" me because I am a part of Him
* He prepares a table before ME (selah)
* He covers me and doesn't expose me
* He wrote his loving words down so that I'll never forget how He feels about me!
>>>>>>>>NOW THAT'S LOVE !!!>>>>Any man who wants pointers on how to love a woman, should study >>>>GOD!>>>> Wake up every day and thank God for being the best "man" in your life!
15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.Take the time... to live and love.
Just for Laughs
When life hits you down, god has a smile to bring youback up.A kindergarten pupil told histeacher he'd found a cat. She asked himif it was dead or alive. "Dead." She wasinformed. "How do you know?" she askedher pupil. "Because I pissed in its earand it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacherexclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over andwent 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." _______________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by hisfather. Five minutes later.... > "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"! "I'm THIRSTY. Can Ihave a drink of water??" "I told you NO!"If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" > Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drinkof water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose sonwas always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get intoHeaven?" The boy thought it over andsaid, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the dooruntil St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
________________________________________________
One summer evening during aviolent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turnoff the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with metonight?" The mother smiled and gave hima reassuring hug. "I can't dear," shesaid. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky littlevoice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during theSunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children wereinvited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularlypretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leanedover and said, "That is a verypretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into thepastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
__________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, mythree >year old came into theroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you aregetting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in hertummy" "I know," she replied, but >what's growing in your butt?" _________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his mathhomework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plussix, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heardwhat he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'mdoing my math homework, Mom." "And thisis how your teacher taught you to do it?"the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my sonin math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learningaddition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plustwo, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What Itaught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacherwas reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part ofthe story where Chicken Little triedto warn the farmer. She read, ".... andso Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky isfalling!" The teacher paused thenasked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10minutes.
A small boy is sent to bed by hisfather. Five minutes later.... > "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"! "I'm THIRSTY. Can Ihave a drink of water??" "I told you NO!"If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" > Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drinkof water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose sonwas always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get intoHeaven?" The boy thought it over andsaid, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the dooruntil St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
________________________________________________
One summer evening during aviolent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turnoff the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with metonight?" The mother smiled and gave hima reassuring hug. "I can't dear," shesaid. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky littlevoice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during theSunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children wereinvited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularlypretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leanedover and said, "That is a verypretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into thepastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
__________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, mythree >year old came into theroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you aregetting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in hertummy" "I know," she replied, but >what's growing in your butt?" _________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his mathhomework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plussix, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heardwhat he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'mdoing my math homework, Mom." "And thisis how your teacher taught you to do it?"the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my sonin math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learningaddition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plustwo, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What Itaught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacherwas reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part ofthe story where Chicken Little triedto warn the farmer. She read, ".... andso Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky isfalling!" The teacher paused thenasked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10minutes.
Turner Brown
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The black guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7' 2" tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The black guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says," What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What did you say to me again?" The man says, "I saw the way you were looking at me so I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions every one always asks me. I'm 7'2" tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The little guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God!!! "I thought you said 'Turn around!"
Pancakes
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was> getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process! That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...Please pass some of this love on to others...suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking...and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.
Funny stuff
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Confession (Usher better watch out)
Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
Priest: "What have you done my child"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch"
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand!"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breasts)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; Father"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call the him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what" into my "you know where"!"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his "you know what" into her "you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER! YEES FATHER!! YEES FAAAATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes) "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!!!"
Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A BITCH"
Priest: "What have you done my child"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch"
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand!"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breasts)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; Father"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call the him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what" into my "you know where"!"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his "you know what" into her "you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER! YEES FATHER!! YEES FAAAATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes) "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!!!"
Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A BITCH"
Not for the weak of stomach
Kind of Yukky!!! Is it not ?
> > >If this story does not make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
>
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
She was so concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.
A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awake with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I did not listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
> > >If this story does not make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
>
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
She was so concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.
A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awake with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I did not listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
May This Encourage You
Let this encourage you always.
Don't spend major time with minor people.
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...they are not friends.
To have a friend you have to be a friend.
Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go.
Surround yourself with people who have high values, goals, interests and a clean lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better.
At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and easier to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of the same feather always stay together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens because Chickens Can't Fly!
Yes I do love Jesus. He is the source of my existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.
Without Him, I am nothing.
With Him I can do all things.
Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life.
I love the Lord and thank Him for all that He does in my life, therefore, I'm passing this on.
If you love Jesus, send this to five people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!! May God Bless You Richly......God loves you and watches over you everyday.
Don't spend major time with minor people.
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...they are not friends.
To have a friend you have to be a friend.
Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go.
Surround yourself with people who have high values, goals, interests and a clean lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better.
At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and easier to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of the same feather always stay together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens because Chickens Can't Fly!
Yes I do love Jesus. He is the source of my existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.
Without Him, I am nothing.
With Him I can do all things.
Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life.
I love the Lord and thank Him for all that He does in my life, therefore, I'm passing this on.
If you love Jesus, send this to five people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!! May God Bless You Richly......God loves you and watches over you everyday.
Men
Thought you might enjoy this...
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!
Sunday, October 09, 2005
New Policy (oh boy)
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked. She appeared to behaving an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out on to the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips -the nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have abad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "BeforeI can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started swearing, and stamps on my fingers.Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying thereface up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third man says "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Wait (not the whisper song)
GIRLS... Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
GUYS... Find a girl who calls you baby faced instead of hot or sexi
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips, Wants to be with you in public, even if you wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,
Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy,
who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back.
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
GUYS... Find a girl who calls you baby faced instead of hot or sexi
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips, Wants to be with you in public, even if you wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,
Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy,
who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back.
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Natural Highs
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the ___expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the ___expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
Ten Essential Qualities to Look for in a Partner.
Here is a list of good qualities to look for while you are on your long and hard quest to find your soul mate. Each is extremely important and is listed in no particular order. Remember that no one is perfect. Some of the most endearing qualities about a partner can be their little imperfections. So do not expect to find someone that will fit all of the following characteristics.
A caring soul. The most important quality to look for in a mate is their heart. Look for someone who can show his or her love and respect for you. This also includes someone that has a similar moral. After all, you don?t want to be constantly dumped on in the relationship.
Someone you can communicate with. Communication is the key to a lasting relationship. Without communication a relationship can not possible last. Communication will help your partner and yourself through the hard times by discussing the problem and agreeing upon a suitable resolution.
Similar tastes in humor. Look for someone that will really enjoy your jokes. More importantly, look for someone who will make you laugh and have a good time. If the prospective mate?s jokes are boring or even offensive, this should be a flag to stop pursuing this individual.
Intellectually stimulating. Look for a partner that will make you think. After all it is a great feeling to find someone that you can talk to for hours and be so involved in the conversation that you are oblivious to everything around you.
Similar Sexual Appetite. If you have a strong sexual appetite, then it wouldn?t be a good idea being with someone that is hasty with sex or vice versa. Remember that sex is one of the leading causes that couples end relationships over.
Similar interest. Sharing a few common interests will help strengthen your relationship. The reason being is that the two of you will spend time each week together doing something you both will enjoy. Be careful not to be with someone that has most of the same interest?s and hobbies because this can lead to one person in the relationship feeling inferior to the other person?s talents.
Enough personal time. Look for someone that likes to have his or her own personal time. So that way both of you can go see your friends and have sometime apart. Having too much togetherness will lead to a boring and monotonous relationship. In turn, that will lead to one or both partners keeping an eye open for a new mate.
Good health. Try to find someone that can live as long of a life as you can. If they have bad health, then this could bring forth an abrupt end to any plans of growing old together. A good quality to look for is someone that enjoys keeping fit and active. After all, you might have kids with this person someday. Remember that some health problems are genetic.
Maturity. This is something that the ladies have to look for more so than the guys do. Reflect on how mature your partner really is. If they lack the maturity that you desire, then you might have to simply back off and give the person more time to mature.
Healthy sense of money. You most likely do not want to support someone else?s spending habits, so don?t. Try to remove the financial problems from the equation of love. Remember that money is also one of the leading causes for fights in a relationship. Be sure not to count someone out because of the amount of money they make. Watch the person, if they try to win your love with money, then this should be a sign telling you to step back from this person. This person could possible be trying to buy your love.
A caring soul. The most important quality to look for in a mate is their heart. Look for someone who can show his or her love and respect for you. This also includes someone that has a similar moral. After all, you don?t want to be constantly dumped on in the relationship.
Someone you can communicate with. Communication is the key to a lasting relationship. Without communication a relationship can not possible last. Communication will help your partner and yourself through the hard times by discussing the problem and agreeing upon a suitable resolution.
Similar tastes in humor. Look for someone that will really enjoy your jokes. More importantly, look for someone who will make you laugh and have a good time. If the prospective mate?s jokes are boring or even offensive, this should be a flag to stop pursuing this individual.
Intellectually stimulating. Look for a partner that will make you think. After all it is a great feeling to find someone that you can talk to for hours and be so involved in the conversation that you are oblivious to everything around you.
Similar Sexual Appetite. If you have a strong sexual appetite, then it wouldn?t be a good idea being with someone that is hasty with sex or vice versa. Remember that sex is one of the leading causes that couples end relationships over.
Similar interest. Sharing a few common interests will help strengthen your relationship. The reason being is that the two of you will spend time each week together doing something you both will enjoy. Be careful not to be with someone that has most of the same interest?s and hobbies because this can lead to one person in the relationship feeling inferior to the other person?s talents.
Enough personal time. Look for someone that likes to have his or her own personal time. So that way both of you can go see your friends and have sometime apart. Having too much togetherness will lead to a boring and monotonous relationship. In turn, that will lead to one or both partners keeping an eye open for a new mate.
Good health. Try to find someone that can live as long of a life as you can. If they have bad health, then this could bring forth an abrupt end to any plans of growing old together. A good quality to look for is someone that enjoys keeping fit and active. After all, you might have kids with this person someday. Remember that some health problems are genetic.
Maturity. This is something that the ladies have to look for more so than the guys do. Reflect on how mature your partner really is. If they lack the maturity that you desire, then you might have to simply back off and give the person more time to mature.
Healthy sense of money. You most likely do not want to support someone else?s spending habits, so don?t. Try to remove the financial problems from the equation of love. Remember that money is also one of the leading causes for fights in a relationship. Be sure not to count someone out because of the amount of money they make. Watch the person, if they try to win your love with money, then this should be a sign telling you to step back from this person. This person could possible be trying to buy your love.
Midget
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Priceless!!!!
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless$$
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless$$
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Blessings.
The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang. But, the man did not hear. So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky. But, the man did not listen. The man looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the man did not see. And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the man did not notice. So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man. But, the man brushed the butterfly away .......... and walked on. I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for gran ted ... even in our electronic age . so I would like to add one more: The man cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the man deleted it and continued crying ....... Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
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