One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives. " He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! " He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through
those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't >have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" . 12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
I like your thinking.
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Just for Laughs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is Classic!
Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..........Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....................how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is.................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
Love all, trust...................................me.
The pen is mightier than the....................pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...................pollution.
Happy the bride who..............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................not much.
Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you................ see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than.....................pregnant
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is Classic!
Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..........Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....................how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is.................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
Love all, trust...................................me.
The pen is mightier than the....................pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...................pollution.
Happy the bride who..............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................not much.
Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you................ see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than.....................pregnant
Friday, June 25, 2004
When Men Strike Back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Lessons of Logic
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
isn't life wonderful, smooches
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
isn't life wonderful, smooches
Men Can Be So Shallow!
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,
who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do
more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,
who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do
more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.
Men!!!!!
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND ......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND ......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Girlfriends!!!!
A young wife sat on a porch in Waycross, Georgia, on a summer day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. "Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. And remember that "girlfriends" are not only your friends, but your sisters, your daughters, and other relatives too. You'll need other women. Women always do."
'What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother; she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.
After 50 years of living in this world, here is what I know about girlfriends:
Girlfriends bring you casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.
Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.
irlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!
Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends will drive through blizzards, rainstorms, hail, heat, and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
Girlfriends cry with you when someone you loved dies.
Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.
Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.
Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.
Times passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up.
Marriages fail. Love waxes and wanes. Hearts break. Careers end. Jobs >come and go. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Men don't call when they say they will.
But girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
My daughter, sister, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless my life! The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
'What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother; she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.
After 50 years of living in this world, here is what I know about girlfriends:
Girlfriends bring you casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.
Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.
irlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!
Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends will drive through blizzards, rainstorms, hail, heat, and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
Girlfriends cry with you when someone you loved dies.
Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.
Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.
Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.
Times passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up.
Marriages fail. Love waxes and wanes. Hearts break. Careers end. Jobs >come and go. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Men don't call when they say they will.
But girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
My daughter, sister, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless my life! The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
Let This Encourage You Always
Don't spend major time with minor people.
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...they are not friends.
To have a friend you have to be a friend.
Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go.
Surround yourself with people who have high values, goals, interests and a clean lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better.
At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and easier to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of the same feather always stay together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens because Chickens Can't Fly!
Yes I do love Jesus. He is the source of my existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.
Without Him, I am nothing.
With Him I can do all things.
Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life.
I love the Lord and thank Him for all that He does in my life, therefore, I'm passing this on.
If you love Jesus, send this to five people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!
May God Bless You Richly......God loves you and watches over you everyday.
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...they are not friends.
To have a friend you have to be a friend.
Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go.
Surround yourself with people who have high values, goals, interests and a clean lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better.
At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and easier to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of the same feather always stay together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens because Chickens Can't Fly!
Yes I do love Jesus. He is the source of my existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.
Without Him, I am nothing.
With Him I can do all things.
Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life.
I love the Lord and thank Him for all that He does in my life, therefore, I'm passing this on.
If you love Jesus, send this to five people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!
May God Bless You Richly......God loves you and watches over you everyday.
Thought You Might Like It!!!
Thought you might enjoy this...
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!
Confessions!!!!!
Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
Priest: "What have you done my child"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch"
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand!"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breasts)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; Father"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call the him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what" into my "you know where"!"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his "you know what" into her "you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER! YEES FATHER!! YEES FAAAATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes) "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!!!"
Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A BITCH"
Priest: "What have you done my child"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch"
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand!"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breasts)
Girl: "Yes Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; Father"
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call the him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what" into my "you know where"!"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his "you know what" into her "you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER! YEES FATHER!! YEES FAAAATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes) "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!!!"
Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A BITCH"
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adams,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
there was Eve's treasure
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adams,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
there was Eve's treasure
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Don't Fought in Bed!!!
Kind of Yukky!!! Is it not ?
If this story does not make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
She was so concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.
A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awake with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I did not listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
If this story does not make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
She was so concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.
A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awake with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I did not listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A Girl's First Time!
It's your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while, searching for an exuse, but he refuses to be swayed. As he approaches you, but it's the first time his finger has found the right spot He probes deeply, and you shiver, your body tenses, but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks within your eyes, and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you, and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way, pain surges throughout our body and you feel a slight trickle of blood. As he continues, he looks at you concerned and asks if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake you head for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a moment you feel something bursting within you as he pulls out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you smiling warmly with a chuckle, tells you that you have been his most stubborn yet rewarding experience. You smile and thank him.
After all....it was your first time.....having a tooth pulled.
After all....it was your first time.....having a tooth pulled.
The Spoon
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed that other waiters and bus boys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "What's with the spoon?" The waiter said, "Well we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry out a spoon with us, we can reduce the trip back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift. The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner, and the waiter replaced it with his stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else." While ordering dessert, the man noticed the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the man asks, "Hey there's a string on your pants." The waiter tells him, "Not all my customers are as observant as you. The same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift, if we tie a string at the end of our you-know-what, and when we have to go, we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and, saving tim." The husband was impressed but asked, "It's a good idea but, how do you get it back in your pants?" The waiter leaned close and whispered, "Well, I don't know about the rest of them, but personally, I use the spoon."
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