The Heart

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began,"I'll open up your heart...""You'll find Jesus there," the boyinterrupted.The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'llcut your heart open," he continued,to see how much damage has beendone...""But when you open up my heart, you'llfind Jesus in there," said the boy.The surgeon looked to the parents, whoSat quietly."When I see how muchdamage has been done, I'll sew yourheart and chest back up, and I'll planwhat to do next.""But you'll find Jesus in my heart. TheBible says He lives there. Thehymns all say He lives there. You'llfind Him in my heart."The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tellyou what I'll find in your heart.I'll find damaged muscle, low bloodsupply, and weakened vessels.And I'll find out if I can make you well.""You'll find Jesus there too. He livesthere."The surgeon left.The surgeon sat in his office, recording hisnotes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damagedpulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, "here he paused, "death within one year."He stopped the recorder, but there wasmore to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud."Why did You do this? You've puthim here; You've put him in this pain; andYou've cursed him to an early death. Why?"The Lord answered and said, "The boy,My lamb, was not meant for yourflock for long, for he is a part of Myflock, and will forever be.Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, andwill be comforted as you cannot imagine.His parents will one day join him here,and they will know peace, andMy flock will continue to grow."The surgeon's tears were hot, but hisanger was hotter. "You created thatboy, and You created that heart. He'llbe dead in months. Why?"The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb,shall return to My flock, for He hasDone his duty: I did not put My lambwith your flock to lose him, but to retrieve anotherlost lamb."The surgeon wept.. The surgeon satbeside the boy's bed; the boy'sparents sat across from him. The boy awoke andwhispered, "Did you cut open my heart?""Yes," said the surgeon."What did you find?" asked the boy."I found Jesus there," said thesurgeon.

Island Talk

A OPP Officer pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because hewas wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safetycompetition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered."Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's >seat..."He's a smart ass when he drunk." This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?" The Officer smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplatingmarriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....
TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man That's right, in just sixmini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associatesdegree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR:
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat DownElective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise or Billy Dee
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 201 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 202 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 203 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist(poetic spelling).
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten their day!!!...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy

Little Johnny...NEW!!!

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom," the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you Little Johnny - are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.