Just for Laughs

When life hits you down, god has a smile to bring youback up.A kindergarten pupil told histeacher he'd found a cat. She asked himif it was dead or alive. "Dead." She wasinformed. "How do you know?" she askedher pupil. "Because I pissed in its earand it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacherexclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over andwent 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." _______________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by hisfather. Five minutes later.... > "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"! "I'm THIRSTY. Can Ihave a drink of water??" "I told you NO!"If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" > Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drinkof water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose sonwas always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get intoHeaven?" The boy thought it over andsaid, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the dooruntil St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during aviolent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turnoff the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with metonight?" The mother smiled and gave hima reassuring hug. "I can't dear," shesaid. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky littlevoice: "The big sissy."
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It was that time, during theSunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children wereinvited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularlypretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leanedover and said, "That is a verypretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into thepastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, mythree >year old came into theroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you aregetting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in hertummy" "I know," she replied, but >what's growing in your butt?" _________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his mathhomework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plussix, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heardwhat he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'mdoing my math homework, Mom." "And thisis how your teacher taught you to do it?"the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my sonin math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learningaddition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plustwo, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What Itaught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day the first grade teacherwas reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part ofthe story where Chicken Little triedto warn the farmer. She read, ".... andso Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky isfalling!" The teacher paused thenasked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10minutes.